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[Lup scoff-laughs at that, though there isn't much humour to be found in her tone.]

Kind of amazing, the mental gymnastics people go through when they've got some guilt to carry around. [Not that she's unfamiliar with the experience, or the struggle of trying to shake off that burden. Hah.] Didn't you crazy kids bone it up well before that?

We were already changed before he was born because of our exposure to the rift, and what happened after. Whenever his birth had taken place, it was after war had already been declared, his father in a state bent on conquering and revenge after learning the fate of his planet.

[ She has enough she struggles with herself. ]

When I had encountered Lotor on the Fleet, I... already told you what his reaction had been to me then. It has been... more alarming to me that his time in another universe entirely would lead him to these conclusions instead.

I don't think there's anything too alarming about that. I mean, the shift isn't great, but I'd still call it better than the alternative. But people are always gonna change in different ways when they're shoved into different corners- you know that better than most, considering what we know.

[Even sparse details would be enough to tell them that much. Honerva chose to let Lup bind their futures together for good reason, after all. Had she stayed in her world and experienced more heartbreak, or had less gentle hands to guide her onto a better path, who knew how different she'd be now.]

[ She lets that sink in a moment, knowing too well what she hints at, before softly exhaling. ]

... I know. It is simply... difficult, to see him take on such a disparaging view toward himself for even existing as he is. I do not miss the judgement or ire, but our constant flinching around another helps little. I even worried that bringing him here was crossing some unstated boundary, but it is for his health.

Definitely not saying it has to be easy for you. Anyone who'd expect that is an idiot.

[She shifts closer still, this time offering her hand out.]

If he causes trouble with this, you send him to me. Sometimes moms are gonna coddle when what a person really needs is a stern talking-to.

... Well as I said, it will be better if it comes from another party, considering our history.

[ But she releases the covers, finding Lup's offered hand instead. ]

And your sternness is the kind that I trust to bring new perspectives to the fore.

Bully someone into not dying? That's a new challenge for me. Though maybe that's why it'd be useful.

[Who better to do it than someone who's died so many times it truly became meaningless- at least, until the last time when it wasn't.]

There is so much that can be taken for granted even with... existing.

[ Even early on, she'd learned that for herself, rushing to take an opportunity to explore beyond the barrier. Or even after, becoming poisoned, and not realizing the potential gravity of it, compounded now with the vision of having seen Lup herself be affected by the silverpoint. ]

He has had such a long life that he flounders without the goals he may have had back there.

Has he given any thought towards new goals? He may think of himself as old and doomed but he's not dead here. Life goes on until it stops.

Whenever I've made the attempts to ask, his responses have all seemed vague enough in a manner to be appeasing toward me, as a way to circumvent my concern. Nothing ever new or for himself, beyond what he wanted to learn of Alteans that I could not provide him, but that still does nothing for his present or future.

Uh-huh. And let me guess: you let him roll you over because you feel too guilty to push him, lest you push him away.

[ Her ears, while already low, do a momentary flicker. Because of course, as with most things, Lup tends to hit the mark with her assessments. ]

Guilt -- of course I'm guilty, Lup! You know better than anyone how I feel. We never had any sense of closeness until this time around, and he despised my other self. I do not know if he still sees her in me, or if... he is simply disappointed that the mother he dreams of does not show up and take my place, but is too kind to say it. Or worse, believes that I must have some expectation for him that does not exist, because of how he spent centuries in the shadow of his father.

[Lup listens, letting her get it all out without objecting or looking bothered. It's true that she can be intentionally aggressive at times to make a point- there are many situations that call for it, and one of them is getting someone to open up more honestly about something when they might not have yet realized the true issues. Buried feelings tend to burrow so deeply that even the person feeling them doesn't really get it.

When Honerva finishes, Lup glances sidelong at her with a scrutinizing look.]

How much of that have you talked about with him directly?

We have touched upon it, more than once.

[ Lup is good at listening, and she well knows Honerva struggles with expressing certain things, especially if she seems frustrated or talks too much without finding the heart of it. ]

He often responds with deprecating jokes or deflections, as seems to be his way when he is uncomfortable. He has said he is unsure of my place in his life, or his in mine. I told him that he was my son, and there was always a place for him. But then he follows that up with how he wants to be "useful" to my research, instead of talking about personal details about how he's grown all these years, or even what he likes, or doesn't like. It's... difficult to push after a point, if he's always felt he has had to protect himself from prying.

Edited 2021-07-01 04:28 (UTC)

Sounds familiar.

[In many ways. It's unfortunate, though she fully recognizes that it's a hard habit to shake, even if it isn't one that she's experienced personally.]

I mean, I can see the resemblance between you two, even if you didn't raise him. You were around the toxic ex who only found worth in you because you were useful, and as soon as that usefulness faded, you meant nothing to him, but he was everything to you. Centuries of that isn't gonna be unlearned in a matter of months or even years. Think about how long it took to get you from where we started in the fleet to how you are now. Could you ever have imagined this being the norm, back then?

No, not at all. My imagination was limited, as well as my understanding.

[ Her shoulders slump further forward even as she maintains her contact. ]

With all that in perspective, am I too impatient? I don't want to make things worse for him, when our relationship is still so tenuous.

Mm... maybe, but I can't really criticize you for feeling that way. You guys have waited so long already, it's only natural to want more than crumbs.

[She glances between the two of them, watching how he breathes, and the expression on Honerva's face. This moment is familiar, too; she'd kept vigil over Taako when he'd been injured by his own spell (when he'd hidden it from her, not yet trusting her to share the load), wanting so much more than the half-life they'd been living in since they found one another.]

When I first arrived in the fleet, and realized Taako still didn't remember me, finding a balance between push and pull was hard. I was the enemy, a Red Robe, and I wore his face- of course he'd distrust me. In some ways, the static helped. It showed him that there was something missing, that I was someone the director had hidden from him. But there'd still been plenty of hiccups. I... was impatient, too.

... Thank you for being with me, Lup.

[ She's said it before, it goes without saying, but at the same time, she cannot take her presence for granted, everything they've gone through time and again all matters and she gives her hand a knowing squeeze. She remembers all of what Lup had gone through with Taako well, because it was how they had bonded. Always easier to be on the advising side than in her own shoes dealing with the problems. At the time, she had her own growing to do, but Lotor had been a hope that had stomped on her heart, then, while Lup was in need, right in front of her, during a time she had begun to realize that she could no longer ignore others that cried out in pain ever again. ]

... It is hard to gauge when it is too much or too little, when it is constantly feeling as though nothing I could say would be enough with what he's had to face. The last person he allowed to be close to him... betrayed him as well. Even now... he was ill and yet I asked him if he would trust himself to our care before he succumbed. Before we brought him here, and yet I can't help fearing he will seek to run away when he wakes. I would not blame him if he did, but, that way of thinking is... lack of faith on my part, is it not?

Could be. Again, your feelings on the issue are valid, because you're both in similar positions. At the same time, someone has to be the one to push and start building that bridge, and I think out of the two of you, you're in a better position to be that person.

[She reaches her free hand out to take Lotor's, sliding it over towards Honerva with a pointed, encouraging look.]

If he's wary of being betrayed again, then prove him wrong, over and over, until you change his mind. Give him what he's afraid to ask for.

You're so brave.

[ As much as she understands that Lup brought up her situation with Taako for a reason. Where she had been forced to wait for him to get his memory back in a situation created by impossible circumstances, always so wary of damaging what she had when he was unable to remember, to points where she'd nearly lost control, they'd held through.

Honerva has a hard time acknowledging the validity of her own feelings. But Lup knows her well and why it is difficult for her, but she feels the weight of that look as well as the words. ]

We are here... and he is not alone. There is that.

[Lup smiles but doesn't respond to the first bit. Maybe she is brave, or maybe it's just how she's learned to live her life. She has a hard time imagining being anything else.

To the last, though, she nods.]

That counts for a lot. All you can do is your best, you know. Just make sure that's what you're doing, and he'll recognize your sincerity over time. You're not guaranteed what you want, but at least if you try you won't be left with more regrets later.

[ Sorry Lup. No escape from her compliments. For living life the way she had, to enduring it all, to still be such a person despite it all, and to inspire others by simply being such a force of will. ]

... well. All I would want is for him to... have a life, and I've no intent to give up on that. To not feel as though he must... perform to nonexistent expectations here. To not continue to hold his life in any less regard to others. Is that too much?

We're not the ones who get to decide what is or isn't too much for him. I don't think it is, though, personally. It's the kind of thing any mother would want for her child. At least, based on my understanding of motherhood.

[Limited as it may be.]

Not just "any" mother. We do not all come with the sense that you have from experience... as much as it is reassuring to hear you say so.

[ Lup had more understanding because she was more knowledgeable of people She didn't have to be in the "mother" category for that. Honerva was still too new to figuring out what was right. ]

Okay, let me amend that. Any maternal figure that gives a shit about her spawn, which is not a universal trait but can be learned over time, against all obstacles. Give yourself some credit for how far you've come to this point.

Lup | IC Contact Page | Hugtopia

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