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It was created by Hemera to call friends to her aid and ignores the limits of time and space. If used successfully it would — in theory — take him from a time where he was capable of helping you.

[ Era swirls the wine in her glass absentmindedly before taking another sip, letting the flavour sit on her tongue. ]

I expect it will take at least a year of restructuring to get the spell working properly here. Something is blocking the final piece of it from activating... It's frustrating. The solution will be difficult, but not impossible.

[Lup thinks on it a moment longer, then smiles and shakes her head.]

It's alright. I don't want to drag him here- we've all been through enough of that already, chasing the light for a hundred years. I don't want our reunion to be tainted by me being the one to force him away from the only home we've ever had for a century.

His home is with you. [ But she understands how she feels. As much as she had wanted to be with the Scions again, she would never have wanted to bring them here. ] So I'll just make sure we can send you back to him at the right moment in time.

I know just the right moment to return home if I want to give Ardbert life again... The gods here will just send me back to the moment I came from, so I need to find a way back myself.

I'm sure we'll all find our way eventually. I was actually supposed to go back home from the last world we'd been stuck in, with Honerva, but we were both dragged here, instead. Back there we'd tried a number of similar spells, but none of them seemed to work either... it's a bit twisted, the control these creeper overlords have over dimensional transport.

Control enough to keep us from leaving, but not enough to choose who to bring here. [ Time for a very big sip because fuck deities. They suck. ] People like to pretend that this place isn't a prison, but it is. It's a big, fancy prison filled with nice people who deserve much better.

Like you, Lup. You deserve all the sex. And your nerd husband with his blue jeans. You deserve both of those things combined.

[Another swig, another refill for the both of them. This wine isn't going to last long.]

I do! I deserve his cute ass walking through my door in cheeky cutoffs and his stupid nerd glasses, I deserve him talking dirty to me using the periodic table and giving the best orgasms. Hell, I deserve dirty smut from any gender that will take me!

You deserve his cute ass in lingerie. Ardbert surprised me with it once and I had to leave for a minute because his butt looked so good I was startled! Even though he has the best butt it was still a surprise!

[ She is a big fan of the husband booty. And a fan of how this batch of wine turned out, because she takes another drink. ]

What's the difference between smut and dirty smut, Lup?

God no, I wouldn't do that to him. He'd complain about the wedgie and as amusing as it would be, he's better suited for other styles. Love the guy, but gotta respect his limits.

[He can make jeans look sexy as all hell, but he is not a small man. Dainty underthings look a little too absurd on him for her to take seriously.]

And hmm... I suppose it comes down to perspective. Smut is smut, but dirty smut might be the more scandalous kinks. Like maybe you were really into missionary sex, but a little backdoor is too dirty for your tastes.

Properly fitted lingerie is very comfortable! Ardbert only gets tailored underwear now, 'cause he likes the way they support his balls. [ Excuse her as she digs in her communicator for her Ardbert's Arse album, so she can show off a nice picture of husband booty hugged by perfectly fitted, black lace-trimmed panties. Era is a big fan, especially because they make him feel good. ] Hades has a nice butt too, but Ardbert's is better.

[ It takes a minute for her to parse the terminology Lup uses. ]

...Anal sex is quite dirty, but only if you don't clean the shite out first. Then it's alright.

[ She doesn't really get the concept of 'dirty smut' vs 'not dirty' but eh, close enough. ]

[Lup giggles, unable to help it. So literal. She shouldn't be surprised.]

You're not technically wrong, no. Some think more along the lines of unclean thoughts more than unclean bodies.

[ She looks up from her phone and crinkles her nose. ]

'Unclean thoughts' is such an Ishgardian church thing, and they're a bunch of hypocritical arseholes. Ishgardians have so much sex and are really kinky. I've done enough leves to know I don't want t' know what they do with the stuff I deliver to them.

[ Ah— She remembers why she started looking at Ardbert pictures in the first place— ]

Want to see his bum? If it's you I'm allowed to share.

Religious assholes are always the dirtiest. It's in the name.

[Lup snickers and swigs her wine, thinking of Merle and his plant... predilection. (This stuff really isn't going to last long.)]

I'm honoured to be included in the ass club. Show it off, then, make me cry.

[ Era tries very hard to figure out how it's in the name, fails, then decides it doesn't mattee because she gets to show off lovely pictures of Ardbert to her friend.

She holds her phone out for Lup to take. ]

This album's just of him from behind so it's all okay to look at.

[Lup accepts the phone, flipping through the pictures, looking amused.]

You've got quite the collection here.

I like having pictures to remember important things, in case I forget again. [ And clearly this is an important thing! ] He thinks it's funny I like taking pictures so it's a bit of a game now — how many sneaky pictures can I take without him noticing? I think he pretends not to notice most of the time though.

Edited 2021-11-09 02:36 (UTC)

It's somewhat less satisfying when they're faking it. Though I guess the reward is all the same.

[Panty-ass, what-have-you.]

It makes him happy so it makes me happy, which makes him happier! [ Which makes her happier, which makes him happier... They're a couple of hopeless dorks.

Drinks some more wine because she can and she wants to. ]

Do you know how to make drinks fizzy? I want to make some new flavour mixes and it'd be fun to have fizzy wines.

[Bunch of nerds. Well, she can relate. She used to make her brother sick more often than not from shenanigans like that, mostly because even after 50-some-odd years she and Barry never stopped making doe-eyes at one another.]

Oh, sparkling wine? Sure, it can be done. You can make it the old-fashioned way by changing up how you ferment and age it, or just transmute it once it's finished, if you're cool people like me.

'Sparkling'? Is that what the fizzy little bubbles drinks are called? [ She supposes if you hold it up to light the little bubbles would seem sparkly. ] Next time I'll get you to use your cool transmutation skills on a bottle, if you want to.

Hell, I'm not drunk yet. If you've got more wine and an empty bottle handy, I can do it right now.

[Perks of being dead is toxin (and other nonsense) doesn't circulate all that quickly through the body. She can last a lot longer than she used to.]

If we empty this bottle we'll have an empty one.

[ In a dead giveaway of how stoked she is by this, her tail wiggles a little bit where it lays against Lup. ]

Guess we'll see who lasts longer then, my sobriety or the wine.

[She takes another heavy swig, throwing her head back before going for yet another refill.]

Not that I haven't done magic drunk before, but doing it with food can get messy in all the wrong ways.

My sobriety is already gone. I've got a low tolerance but a fast metabolism, so I'll be sober again before bed.

[ She'll hold her half-finished glass out for a top up as well. ]

Messy how?

Well...

[She pauses, the memory a sobering one, and she hesitates to kill the mood, but.]

I knew someone who did it professionally, years back. Didn't pay attention like they should, thought they transmuted a garnish into elderberry and instead it was deadly nightshade. It was a trick, turns out. Their partner poisoned the ingredients. But a lot of people died that day, and... it ruined cooking for them, for a long time.

[She's quiet again for a long moment, then huffs a breath, taking a long swig.]

It wasn't the transmutation that fucked it. Wasn't! But it coulda been. And he thought it was. And that's fucked up. So don't magic-cook when you're drunk, even if it's just drunk on fame.

[ She frowns, because it's a vaguely familiar story and she hates when people poison food. ]

People like to blame the magic when the problem is the people. Magic doesn't make mistakes, it's the people who use it that do.

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